Profile of a Delusional Sociopath

Just when I resigned myself to a weekend filled with stupid "friendly conversations" at home, came N's call a few minutes ago! It's easy to say that I am cool with all plans, but in reality i am greatly relieved.

R's Rochester visit, G's project transition and some other serious issues coupled with my resolve to spend weekend away from the sight of a computer and several people (for no fault of theirs, I should add) had filled me with great dread. This might make me sound like I am this delusional sociopath. But, you know what? In reality, I am one.

Sociopath (soh-see-uh-path, soh-shee-uh-path)

Someone whose social behavior is extremely abnormal. Sociopaths are interested only in their personal needs and desires, without concern for the effects of their behavior on others.

I abhor solitude with the same revolt that most vegetarians (including me) reserve for red meat. My thinking goes on overdrive when I am left to myself and those thoughts certainly are not positive all the time. So much that, when I was in Athens, even if I was sleepy, had nothing else to do and its way past midnight, I used to wait (sometimes more than an hour) for some company for the 20 minute walk back home from the lab. More often than not, it was M who was that company. I think I am totally in debt to her for keeping me sane and for talking to me about the things that we have in common and for silently letting me "put" my fundaes indiscriminately! I am sure she cursed me under her breath and I know she went through a lot of shit silently too.

Anyways, company calms me. The restless person I am, I tend to think better in chaos. When it is not chaotic, I think the "inner me" tries to mix things up with those ear worms and the humming. It also makes me look for company, a search just to have someone close by, not always to talk to, but to just give me the idea that I am not alone. And in this search, sometimes I have been misunderstood and riled at.

I am trying to change. I might have to get used to solitude, now that a career spent living out of a suitcase beckons (at least for another couple of years). It is going to be a tough job, since spending 4 fun filled years in a hostel (and three more here at Athens/Peoria/Chicago) and after being around groups of people right from childhood, I am more in my elements among people than without them.

So, those of you who have my phone number, do call me when you remember me. For I might just be sitting in Starbucks alone, revelling in my delusions that I have company all around me that I'd offend by taking out my cell phone and calling you myself!